and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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