I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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