Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
