you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
