return my video game
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
