I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
