Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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