remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
