the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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