He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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