I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize