My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
