You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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