Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
