I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Randomize