And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
