so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
