I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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