The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
