he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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