I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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