I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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