I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
