i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I have fence marks all over my body
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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