He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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