i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
