When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
