i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
