If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize