Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
