Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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