i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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