Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
