TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
