its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He better not be in your backpack
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
