i think i have two assholes
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
