That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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