Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
