i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize