Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
