sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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