She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
