I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
