I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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