Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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