Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
