Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Couch. On fire.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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