I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
