I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you would pick up someone in the library
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
