you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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