i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
