he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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