Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
