Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize