ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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