All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
