Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
