You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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