Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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