Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
