You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
