somebody snuck up and got me drunk
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
