K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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