i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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